What Works? Non-Shaming, Non-Blaming Language

Johnny, I told you that yesterday! Why don't you remember? How many times do I have to tell you? How come you didn't bring your pencil? How many times do I have to tell you? Act your age! How old are you? You are acting like a child! You....you .....you.....

Shaming and Blaming Language

The most effective strategy I have implemented school wide was the development of a common language. I have to credit a strong knowledgeable woman, Vonnie Vader, for introducing me to the theory of behavior management that utilizes a non-shaming, non-blaming common language approach. The more I witnessed this in action, the more I realized it fit what I had been searching for, appropriate strategies for FASD.

The above examples are shaming and blaming. The adult directs the shame or blame onto the student. This type of language immediately puts the student on the defensive. I submit a normal brain can sort out the intent of the language and, though the shame and blame hits home, the normal brain will not react impulsively. FASD exhibits itself in impulsive behaviors. An FASD brain will re-act impulsively with a behavior that will be defensive. This defensive behavior may be seen as aggressive, such as lashing out at the teacher, hitting, or swearing. In this case, the teacher is the anticedent to the behavior. Unfortunately, I have witnessed time and time again the teacher blaming the student for the impulsive behavior and not understanding the brain damage and not being willing to take any responsibility for causing the behavior by his or her shaming and blaming language.

So what is non-shaming, non-blaming language? Vonnie Vader had developed four questions that were asked for any behavior needing change. We implemented the questions in our middle school with almost immediate success. Within 6 weeks, the high school was asking to be trained because of the difference in the middle school. The questions were:

Is that off task?

Is that out of place?

Is that physical contact?

Is that noise?

We defined the terms off task, out of place, physical contact, and noise. The teachers were provided an in-service on the theory behind the concept. Vonnie spent 6 weeks in our school modeling the concept. Within 6 weeks, not only were the teachers using the language, the students were also.

The behavior management theory simply is this. Something triggers a behavior. We don't know what that is many times. There are so many mitigating factors in a student's life that could be the trigger. The only thing.....the only thing we have control over is how we act toward the child. Maybe the single parent did not come home last night and the student had to get himself up, as well as the other sibling, find some cold cereal without milk for breakfast, got into a fight with the younger brother, and was teased on the bus about his clothes he was wearing for the third time this week. We don't know what triggers a student.

So, Johnny is sitting in his seat, figeting, and not paying attention to his assigment. A normal student would have a hard time concentrating with everything that is not going right in this child's life, let alone a student with brain damage from FASD. The teacher looks at Johnny and says,"How many times have I told you to pay attention!" Johnny's brain impulsively reacts, maybe with swearing, something he hears daily, or with a violent reaction. His brain has limited,if no ability to control his initial impulse. Now Johnny is in trouble and the teacher can find fault with him. This has been a pattern for this young man.

Now, let's use the non-shaming, non-blaming approach. Everything being the same, the teacher asks, "Johnny, is that off task?" First, the language does not include the word you. The question asks about the behavior. By asking the question, the teacher is providing Johnny with the opportunity to think about whether he is off task or not. This gives the FASD brain time to think, rather than react defensively. (Now, if Johnny has triggered and is beginning to escalate in behaviors, questions turn to statements and Johnny needs to be removed to a safe location to de-escalate. Schools with a large number of FASD students need to have a safe environment for FASD students to escalate and de-escalate.) So many times, I have seen the student immediately bring himself back to attention with a, "Oh, yea." and try to attend to the assignment. Understanding the impulsivity and inability to sort out the inputs to the FASD brain is important for each teacher to know, so the teacher does not get angry and blame when he or she has to ask the question time and time again. The strategy is to remind the FASD brain, rather than blame the child.

The FASD brain does not think the way you and I think a brain should think. So much of FASD does not exhibit itself in physical characteristics, so educators should always be aware the behaviors they are seeing in normal appearing students may be the result of FASD. The non-shaming, non-blaming language works for all student, regardless of FASD or not.